Giving

Much of the time I think I need to be making art in order to feel creatively fulfilled. For a person like me, who knows very little about balance, this thought can be a tad stifling. It limits me in the way I can be fed artistically. Sometimes (a lot lately) I’m not so much into the making of the art as I am into procrastinating, whining, thinking and not moving. I can see that I’m going to have down times, times when I am unable or unwilling to commit to my own work. The cool thing that’s happening lately is that I keep seeing, whether I want to believe it or not, I can be fed through the famine.

Fiction writing came to a standstill let’s say a couple months ago. You’ve all watched (haltingly) the process of me surrendering my ideas about how this was going to go. My willingness to be naked in front of you (metaphorically, of course) (and sporadically as well) is the one thing that’s kept me semi on track. Writing to you about my process, forcing myself to think about my process has helped me keep what little there is left of my sanity. And, more important than my mental state, it has helped me stay on the path.

Over the past year opportunities have come into my life that continue to confirm God’s desire for me to live inside my gifts, whether I’m writing fiction or not. My mind tells me that in order to be fulfilled I have to be writing. As of today, I have about 100 pages of a second novel waiting patiently for a bit of attention, a series of short stories rolling around, a blog post or seven, all begun but none finished. This proves that the writing thing isn’t really working right now.

Last week I was asked to write a screenplay by two women who trust me, who know my writing, who have a story to tell that they want me to be a part of. I’ve never written a screenplay before, but I didn’t shrink from the idea at all. In fact, the possibility filled me with a little excitement, thinking about how scary and new and brilliant it’s going to be to learn to make something entirely different than I’ve ever made before.

I also have another opportunity to take a woman through The Artist’s Way who is completely outside my monkey sphere. I had never met her before, but someone recommended me, said that I would be a dependable source of help in this area. I didn’t shrink from that idea either.

The reason I am walking into these things with a fair bit of confidence is because I know I actually have something of value to share. I know how to be receptive and teachable, to collaborate and give while working on that screenplay. I know how to be gentle and understanding with this newborn artist, how to share my experience, how to encourage her to be brave.

I can hardly stand to even write those things. I would hate to come across as arrogant or snotty or too big for my britches. It might make it better for me if I tell you that I'm not giving anything away that hasn't already been given to me by people even more giving, gentle, understanding and generous than I will ever be.

I’ve known for a long time that I have to give it away to keep it. I’m fairly good at putting that into practice in my life in general. To have that principle show itself here, in this place I love the most, is a remarkable thing. This is a very cool place to be in for a girl like me.