Freedom from Self-Obsession

For the past two years, I have been in what has proven to be – finally standing on the outside - a self-centered, creative coma. It was pointed out to me by a very important man in my life in a very blunt but loving way that, while I expect nearly everyone to wait with baited breath for whatever I might next produce, I give little thought or energy to anyone else’s work. It has been as if I have expected all of the creative attention in the world to be turned my way through these years. While I may have needed a certain amount of . . . coddling, let’s say, at the beginning, I certainly have grown enough confidence to shove off on my own, without everyone’s eyes needing to be pointed my way.

You know I’m a little dramatic and a lot self-effacing. It’s probably not been that black and white. There are a few people who have come to me for encouragement, who were obviously coming to me as a sort of mentor, and my ego could handle that and I could be enthusiastic about their work. But I think, though Bestie A might disagree (mistakenly), if you are anything like a peer, I may have discounted YOUR need or desire for MY participation in YOUR process.

I sat at my dining room table with Besties B and C sharing with them what this man had said.

“You know,” B said, getting that look on her face that made my internal compass prepare itself for hearing the truth, “we’ve all been in this with you for two years. And we’ve been IN IT. Maybe it’s time to take a step back.”

The breath was just a tiny bit knocked out of me, but I recovered quickly. And, actually, felt no small amount of freedom. AAAHhhhhhhhh. I could stop thinking about myself. What a joy! I could grow up just a little bit more and start treating the people in my life like they deserve to be treated, once again.
I’m pretty accustomed to public learning. I think that’s why I can tell you the uglies. My friend Jessica started a beautiful blog about what her family has gone through after finding out two of their children have Autism.

http://spearsfamilyproject.blogspot.com

My favorite part of her first post is at the very end, when she talks about advice she was given to stop her 3-year-old tantruming daughter (not yet diagnosed) from harming herself when Jess was nursing her infant son.

“One lady told me to spray her with water when she did it. You know? Like a cat. I had to try that one for posterity. I started nursing Cale with a spray bottle full of water by my side. Sure enough, she started screaming and banging her head on the floor. So, I squirted her in the face. She stopped and looked at me then started to scream and bang again. I squirted her in the face again. She screamed louder and louder and I squirted and squirted. Pretty soon she was soaked and screaming so loud her whole face turned red and water was dripping out of her hair and off of her big red screaming dripping wet face. It didn't do her any good, but I sure felt better.”

I mean, that is SO BRAVE. And I know how she felt when she wrote it. She felt clean. The secret is out and she’s the one who told. She might have thought for a moment, ‘I shouldn’t be saying this about my children,’ but she went past that and told the truth and got the gift. And someone else will get the gift too. Maybe a lot of someones will. Part of the power in that is the power of potential identification; experiencing someone else’s thoughts, however they be expressed, and realizing you’re not the only person in the world who feels the way you do.

Certainly, there’ve been artists that are self-involved and pompous and exclusionary about their work (not just me). But what I get to do since recognizing this (late in the game though it may be) is admit it and try to become better. That’s not the kind of person I want to be; a creative vortex, consumed with only myself, my ego too fragile to give anything to anyone, yet expecting everyone to give to me. I’ve experienced that from the other side, and it was one of the most heartbreaking experiences I’ve had.

So, the conclusion? I’m going to look out. From now on, I’m going to turn my eyes toward you and your beautiful gifts and I’m going to write about them, instead of me. And if something exciting should happen along the way, some lucky agent agreeing to represent me or when I win the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award, I’ll tell you about it. Meantime, I think we can all breath a little deeper knowing we're getting a break from the self-obsession.

At least on this blog.